Discovering that your spouse has been having an affair can be difficult to say the least, and, at most, is a traumatizing breach of trust.
Even if you are able to forgive your partner, it can be hard to regain that lost trust, especially when it comes to sexuality in the relationship. For couples that are willing to do the work and recommit to each other, it is possible to find that vulnerability again, even after all of the walls have been built up.
Resolve Other Relationship Issues before Sexuality
Before even thinking about regaining the sexual component of your relationship, you and your spouse need to address all of the hurt feelings, like betrayal, anger, and resentment that come from learning of an affair. You both may not even be talking to each other, let alone wanting to have sex. Seeing a therapist trained in infidelity counseling can help navigate the emotions that are brought up by this trauma. He or she can guide you and your spouse through the recovery process so that you both are ready to be intimate when it’s time.
Start Slowly to Regain Sexuality
Once you and your spouse have resolved the trust and betrayal issues, you can begin to consider sexuality. Tammy Nelson, Ph.D., writes in the Huffington Post that couples need to take things slowly when rebuilding this aspect of their relationship. Some of her recommendations include:
Do not have sex until both of you are ready.
Do not have sex with your partner as a way to keep them from cheating again.
Begin with simple acts of touch, such as holding each other’s hands.
Continue on by giving each other hugs or cuddling.
Try ways to be intimate with each other that don’t necessarily involve sex, such as showering together.
Nelson notes that it can take time, perhaps several months, for this process to occur, and that learning how to be monogamous with each other again requires learning new behaviors.
Building a New Sexual Style for Your Relationship
Barry W. McCarthy, Ph.D. discusses in Psychology Today what he refers to as creating a new “sexual style.” He says that you can’t compare sex during an affair and marital sex, as they are completely different. Rather, compare sexuality before the affair and after the affair. The idea is to create a sexuality that is better, more pleasing, and stronger than that which occurred before the affair. He also says that recovering sexual intimacy is an important part of rebuilding a marriage.
Communication and Sexuality
Throughout this process of rebuilding the sexuality into your relationship, a key component for success is communication. Perhaps you want things to go faster, but your partner isn’t ready yet. Or perhaps, when you are intimate, difficult emotions come up for both of you. Some ideas to manage this include:
Talking often your relationship.
When talking don’t interrupt each other.
Try to see things from the other person’s perspective.
Spending quality time that allows you to focus on each other, free from distractions.
Use letter writing as a tool to get out emotions in the moment without lashing out to your spouse.
Continuing to see a therapist can be useful to process with a third party what is going on, and to learn new communication techniques that can help resolve issues.
Learning about your partner’s infidelity can make it seem like your whole world has come crashing down. You aren’t even sure if you want to be in the same room as them, let alone even consider sexuality. Yet, if you and your spouse are able to resolve your issues through counseling, communication practice, and a willingness to take small, incremental steps you can rebuild the sexuality that was lost.
Click to learn more about Infidelity Counseling and Treatment with Naomi Casement, LMSW.
