Much has been written about the harm that betrayal can cause to a relationship. However, what about the personal toll that betrayal inflicts on individuals? How you handle betrayal might be very different than another person.
For some, it might mean lashing out and seeking revenge. Others retreat inward.
Betrayal will certainly have an effect on the partner who has been wronged. Yet, the partner who committed the betrayal is also impacted by their actions.
Understanding the differing ways betrayal can impact an individual may help you overcome the hurt and pain caused by it in our life.
Sowing Seeds of Doubt
One way that betrayal affects a person is that it sows seeds of doubt.
For example, you find out that your partner has been unfaithful to you. This causes you to start spinning all kinds of questions and doubts through your mind. These might include:
“Why did they do this?”
“How could I have missed it?’
“I am so stupid and foolish.”
Your faith in yourself has been shaken to the very core. No longer do you believe your own judgment when it comes to assessing someone’s character. In fact, you may shame yourself for not exercising better judgment, or avoiding the relationship in the first place.
The reality? There was likely little to nothing you could do to prevent such pain. Yet, that’s not what you tell yourself.
Damaging Your Ability to Trust
Another way that betrayal impacts individuals is the loss of trust.
This distrust extends further than just your partner (or perhaps soon-to-be ex-partner), but to your future partner as well. You, understandably, don’t want to find yourself in this kind of situation again. So, what do you do? You try to protect yourself as much as possible. Even if there is someone whom you like and responds in kind, you pull away.
There’s a reason for this. True intimacy requires vulnerability. You were vulnerable once before, and things went badly. Thus, you build up emotional walls to protect yourself from being hurt again. However, those same walls can keep you from having a meaningful relationship.
Plagued by Shame
Betrayal can cause you to feel an incredible amount of shame. It’s humiliating, to say the least, and awkward too. How do you explain at your next get-together that your partner will not be attending? Maybe you make something up to cover for the absence. Yet, this too also adds to the shame. you may find yourself lying to people you care about because of someone else’s actions. Or, you may isolate and retreat inward. You may avoid social situations or interactions where the topic will come up. It’s just too painful.
Wracked by Anger
Of course, anyone who has been betrayed by someone they trusted is going to feel angry. You might lash out in ways that you would never expect. Dishes might get smashed, photos or mementos could be thrown away, or you might yell and scream at the top of your lungs. Remember though, that anger is often a symptom of much deeper emotions. For example, you may need to explore painful feelings like
Shame
Sadness
Loss
Embarrassment
These are many of the same issues already discussed above. So, when you do feel yourself get angry, allow yourself to feel the emotion. It is valid. Yet, at the same time, acknowledge that the anger is coming from a much deeper place.
How Betrayal Affects the Betrayer
When someone cheats they too are affected by their actions. For instance, they may experience
guilt over what they have done.
embarrassment or shame over being caught.
resentment toward their betrayal partner for their combined role in the cheating.
They too may go through a period of grieving and loss over the breakdown of your relationship. Even if they behave coldly on the outside, they may be going through an emotional turmoil inside. Why does this matter? It helps put their behavior into context. You don’t have to explain or justify their behavior at all. However, understanding their actions can help you recover from the betrayal. They are human too and subject to the same emotions and reactions that you are.
Undoubtedly, betrayal can affect individuals in many ways. Yet, in the end, the result is the same: a relationship that has been severely or even permanently damaged. Counseling is a vital component in helping you get through this painful time in your life.
Please read more about infidelity counseling and contact. me soon for a consultation.
