Have you been holding on to feelings of shame, perhaps for years or even decades? Carrying your shame hasn’t made things any better and you've been carrying a burden that can seem at times unbearable. You can overcome shame. The first step is to understand why you have these feelings and get to the root cause of the issue.
What is Shame?
Before we go deeper into overcoming shame, it’s helpful to first understand what shame is. The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines shame as:
“a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety.”
To experience shame means that you feel that you have either done something wrong or did not meet a certain standard. Other words associated with shame include:
Disgrace
Disrepute
Reproach
Censure
Regret
Clearly, shame is not considered a positive emotion! Therefore, in order for you to feel shame, it must be due to a serious set of circumstances.
Why Do We Feel Shame?
Shame can come from many sources, including:
Making a decision that you later regret. For instance, choosing to have an affair.
Being painfully aware of perceived flaws. These might have been pointed out embarrassingly in the past, such as having someone point out that you're overweight. Bullying only intensifies your feelings of shame.
Believing that you are not deserving. This could be due again to bullying you experienced growing up or, sadly, from any abuse you suffered from adults.
Going through experiences that have caused tremendous pain. Again, this could be due to abuse or other traumatic experiences.
You may even feel shame about being ashamed! This only adds to a continuing downward spiral.
When you feel shame it is because you are painfully aware of some flaw, shortcoming, or event in your life that continues to resonate with you long after it has occurred. In fact, this shame may have become a part of your identity. Sadly, shame is something that can only drag you down.
Overcoming Shame
Once you have identified the source of your shame, you can begin to work toward overcoming it. Perhaps the most important thing that you can do to overcome shame is to forgive yourself. Some things to think about:
If you experienced abuse it wasn’t your fault; someone chose to hurt you. You never asked to be hurt.
We all make decisions that we wish we could undo. Regarding the mistakes you've made, how can you learn from them?
You deserve to be loved and accepted for who you are.
Feeling shame about being ashamed doesn’t make things better. It only compounds the problem!
This won’t be an easy task and will require a lot of attention on your part. Yet, if you can begin to forgive yourself you will have started on the path toward healing.
Help with Overcoming Shame
You don’t have to travel this journey alone. Find a therapist who will work with you as you explore your old wounds and search for healing. For instance, if your shame is due to a past trauma, consider working with a therapist who is trained in trauma therapy. Also, reach out to other resources in your community that might help, such as a support group. There you’ll find people like you who “get it” and won’t judge you for what you’ve gone through.
Unfortunately, many of us experience shame during our lifetime. Whether it is due to things that are beyond our control or because of regret caused by our own decisions, the weight of shame is a heavy burden. If this sounds like you, take heart. There are ways to lighten your load and overcome shame. By practicing self-acceptance and working with a therapist you can begin to heal these old wounds and see both the world and yourself in a new light.
Click to learn more about trauma therapy and counseling with Naomi Casement, LMSW.
