Your partner has betrayed you, and the pain is so great.
You think, “How dare they do this to me?”
You are hurting, you are in pain, and you want to take it out on the person who caused all of this.
In short, you want revenge. And though it may seem satisfying to take revenge on your partner for their betrayal, in the long-run, revenge only ruins your life.
Consider these reasons why you should avoid that approach:
1. Revenge Only Causes More Pain
When you seek out revenge on your partner for their betrayal, all that comes from the situation is more pain. Perhaps that is what you want. Your partner caused so much emotional pain for you. Now you want them to feel what it’s like in return. Yet, what is solved by creating more pain? Will that really make you feel better about what happened? In reality, you simply carry that pain with you wherever you go. Even if you move on to another relationship, the pain you received and inflicted doesn’t go away.
2. There’s No Closure with Revenge
Because you carry that pain with you there isn’t any closure with revenge. You never resolve the emotions you are feeling deep down inside. Over time, those emotions bubble to the surface, which only hurt even more. To cope with those feelings you may even resort to substance abuse or other coping mechanisms to numb what you are feeling. Make no mistake, experiencing betrayal is a trauma. If you are not able to find true closure to the situation, it will affect other aspects of your life.
3. Your Ability to Trust Others is Shattered
Another thing that revenge does not solve? Being able to trust your partner again. Or, for that matter, anyone else with whom you choose to be within the future. There will be a nagging feeling in the back of your mind. The alarm bell going off will say that you can’t trust this person. They will betray you because you chose revenge instead of processing your emotions. Of course, this makes it very hard to feel comfortable and emotionally safe in any relationship.
4. Revenge and Your Children
If children are part of the picture, how will they be affected by your desire for revenge? Most likely they will emotionally shut themselves off from both you and your partner as you both get entangled in hurting each other. They may even start to act out by lying to you, sneaking out, or demonstrating other negative behaviors. Now you have two problems on your plate that are draining your mental and physical energy.
5. It Becomes Harder to Enjoy Life
In the movies or on TV shows you see a character that is entirely focused on retaliation. They drive out all other positive aspects in their lives in order to extract vengeance from whoever wronged them. Naturally, this makes a compelling storyline. However, in real life, an all-encompassing focus on revenge damages your life. You find it difficult to enjoy things that you once found pleasurable. It’s easy to be distracted and not feel present when obsessing about getting back at someone. It hijacks your life to the point where you shut out everything else.
How to Cope with Feelings of Revenge
In order to cope with these feelings of revenge and to find closure you really need to see a therapist. Together you can work to understand why you feel vengeful and find solutions that will allow you to truly heal from the trauma of betrayal.
It’s understandable to want to exact revenge on your partner for their betrayal. However, that really won’t solve the underlying issues for why it occurred in the first place. Therapy can help you to move forward from that dark place so it no longer dominates your life.
Click to learn more about marriage counseling and treatment with Naomi Casement - LMSW.
