You love your partner deeply, yet something doesn’t feel quite right.
It’s hard to put your finger on it, but you can feel it in your gut that your relationship isn’t what it should be. Every day seems a little fuzzy and confusing. When you talk to your partner, they tell you the exact opposite of what your intuition is telling you is true.
So what’s happening?
The reality is that you are experiencing a phenomenon called gaslighting.
What is Gaslighting?
This is when your partner distorts reality to fit their narrative but leaves you in limbo. It can be very hard to tell whether or not you are experiencing gaslighting, as it’s hard to know what’s true.
Essentially, when your partner gaslights it’s all about exerting power over you.
The term itself refers to a time when lights were lit by gas, not electricity. Also, the word was used in a theater and later movie production where a man attempts to confuse and deceive his partner by denying that the lights had dimmed. This was a work of fiction, yet the concept does occur in real life. Partners will muddy the waters and say that the other partner is confused, wrong, or even crazy. This is in an effort to deny behavior that is wrong or hurtful. Most of all, they don’t want their partner to realize this in an effort to maintain control.
Signs to Watch Out For
If you think you are being gaslit, here are some signs to watch out for.
You have trouble recalling events as they occurred.
You feel confused or in a mental fog much of the time.
Your partner’s actions do not align with their words. For instance, they tell you that they love you after you have experienced verbal or physical abuse from them.
They tell you that the abuse did not happen at all.
Your partner tells you that the abuse was your fault.
It’s this mixed messaging that leaves you really confused and questioning your instincts. You might be vulnerable to experiencing gaslighting if you have had trouble with unhealthy relationships in the past, or have a past trauma that has yet to be resolved.
Effects of Gaslighting
Even if you have experienced this type of behavior for years, your mind knows better. Deep down it knows that something is wrong. Thus, you may experience mental health problems such as depression or anxiety as a result. Some would question why people stay in these kinds of relationships. However, as mentioned above, past trauma or inexperience with loving, kind relationships can greatly influence your decisions.
Ultimately, you don’t deserve this kind of treatment. Rather, you ought to be treated with respect and dignity.
Countering the Effects of Gaslighting
Once you suspect that you are being gaslit, there are things you can do to counter the effects. For example:
Acknowledge your feelings. Gaslighting is all about denying your thoughts and emotions. Instead, give yourself permission to feel and experience them.
Treat yourself with kindness. You might be tempted to judge yourself for being in a relationship with a person who gaslights. But judging doesn’t help. Rather, be kind and compassionate to yourself.
Keep a record, try journaling. This really helps counter the effects of not remembering events. Also, documenting your feelings in writing helps to validate them.
It’s important to note that you need to leave a relationship if your partner gaslights. Even if they have never touched you physically, they are still harming you. If you don’t know where to turn, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
Gaslighting is all about taking away your power and control. It’s abusive, plain and simple. Because the effect of the behavior is to distort reality, it can be hard for you to recognize that it is occurring. However, if you sense that it's happening, take back that control and make sure you are safe. To do this effectively, consider professional help from a therapist as you begin the healing process. I am here to help. Please read more about trauma therapy and contact me soon.
