Shame is more than a feeling. It’s not just an emotion that you have once-in-a-while.
Shame is a perception of who you are as a person. It defines who you are and creates a terrible burden that you feel youmust carry every day.
Does this sound like you? If you are struggling with shame, know that it’s possible to understand what it is, how it developed, and how it affects you. With this knowledge, you can take steps to address your shame and even move past it. That way, it no longer has to define who you.
What is Shame?
Shame is often confused with embarrassment or guilt. Certainly, all of these emotions make you feel “bad” but shame is different.
You believe that something is fundamentally wrong with you. This makes you feel different from others, creating a relational distance or separation that you believe can never be crossed. This is not a temporary problem. You can feel such disgrace and disqualification from relationships for months, years, even decades.
Imagine how that can affect your life and the decisions you make.
How Shame Occurs
There are a couple of ways for shame to develop:
as an evolution of a series of incidents over the course of years.
as an outgrowth of things told to you so that you would believe a negative perception of yourself.
Thus, in these ways you could carry shame with you throughout your life.
A Reflection of Who You Are
One example of shame is that which arises from a struggle with substance abuse. Perhaps, you do things to satisfy your need for drugs or alcohol that you’re not proud. For instance:
Stealing
Lying
Cheating
Breaking promises
Certainly, you feel guilty for each incident that occurs. However, collectively, those incidents inspire you to create an unhappy definition of who you are. For instance, your self-talk spirals downward, into self-blame, referring to yourself as a “screwup” or “loser.” These labels are a reflection of the shame you carry due to what you have done and mistakes you’ve made.
What Does Shame Do?
Because shame affects the deepest roots of who you are, it also influences the choices that you make in your life. Using the example of addiction above, let’s say that you know that you should get help, but feel deep down that you don’t “deserve” it. You feel unworthy of the receiving the help that you need because you believe you are somehow unredeemable.
In fact, this lack of worth only reinforces the shame that you have for yourself, trapping you deeper in the hole of shame.
A Fundamental Contradiction
With shame, there is a fundamental contradiction of who you are. That’s because you want to be a good person. You know that believedy ou were, at one point, a good and worthwhile person. Memories of your past when you perceive yourself differently, perhaps innocently, are in stark contrast to the person whom you believe you are now. In fact, you want to be a ”good”, “normal”, or loved person desperately, yet you believe that it’s impossible to become so.
This creates a definition of yourself that you are fundamentally at odds with. This makes you feel even worse about yourself, even possibly fueling hopelessness and desperation. So, what do you do? You wind up continuing to pursue actions that cause the stigma to persist. For example, you may find yourself engaging in and getting trapped by even more by substance abuse as a way to cope with such negative feelings.
Because the issues surrounding shame affect you who are as a person, they can’t simply be ignored or pushed away. That’s why it’s important for you to seek out professional help. With a therapist you can learn how to redefine yourself so that shame is no longer a burden you must endure on your own.
