There’s an old saying that goes, “Communication is a two-way street.” Unfortunately, when you and your partner are playing the blame-game communication breaks down. However, there are ways that you can actually speak and listen to each other instead of arguing.
Keep the Bigger Picture in Mind
When you get sucked into the blame game you lose sight of the bigger picture. That is, the things that you really want in your relationship:
Understanding
Acceptance
Friendship
Compassion
Love
When you have blame types of arguments, though, you lose sight of the bigger picture and the healthy communication you need.
Don't Get Caught-Up in Winning
Blame-game arguments have only one objective, and it’s not communication! When you get caught up in blaming each other, you are only focused on winning. Of course, these battles -- along with the hurt feelings and lost trust they cause -- can spell doom for your relationship. If you find yourself getting sucked into the battle, try to pause for a moment and listen instead of arguing.
Have the Ability to Sit and Listen
Listening seems to have become a lost art. Being able to sit with your partner and truly listen and hear them is an important skill. It means that instead of wanting to jump in with a point or play the blame game, you are actually willing to see things from the other person’s point of view. This means opening yourself up to another’s perspective and even challenging your own viewpoints. This can open the dialogue for healthy communication.
Own Your Emotions
Another important requirement for communication is owning your emotions instead of blaming the other person for them. For instance, have you ever blamed the other person for the fact that you’re angry or upset? This emotional blame game means that you actually don’t have control over your emotions. Instead, it’s someone else’s fault for how you feel. This doesn’t make sense, but it is used as leverage in blame game arguments. Healthy communication means owning your emotions.
Know When to Step Away
Sometimes when you are practicing healthy communication you need to step away from the conversation. If you think things are getting out of control and heading towards a blame game argument, request a pause in the discussion. Both of you can step away for a short period of time to get composed and refocused so that you both can continue the conversation peacefully.
Avoid “You Always” and “You Never” Statements
When you are having discussions it’s important to stay away from, “You always,” and “You never,” statements. These look like:
You...
never listen to me!
always take their side!
never understand what I’m feeling!
have never supported me!
always try to hold me back!
These kinds of statements are accusatory, hurtful, and are meant to elicit feelings such as guilt from your partner. It is important to be able to give and receive feedback, but these kinds of statements are only generalities. They don’t actually get to the root of the problem and are not effective communication.
Know When to Ask for Help
It’s important to know when to admit that you need help. This is especially hard for blame-game couples, as each one of you believes that you are "in the right." Therefore, why should you get help if it’s the other person who needs it? In reality, both of you need to be willing to participate in therapy if you want your relationship to last. It’s hard to admit, but it’s an important step towards resolving long-held differences.
The blame game never gets you anywhere. Rather, it leads you down a path to having a miserable marriage or a divorce. However, there are things that you can do to address these issues. Practicing more effective communication and engaging in therapy will help you both better understand each other instead of trying to “win.”
Click to learn more about marriage counseling and treatment with Naomi Casement - LMSW
