Typically, when we consider the impact of substance abuse and relationships, it’s often in regards to abuse or violence. One partner, while under the influence of drugs or alcohol, becomes either verbally abusive or physically violent to the other partner.
Yet, it's vital to remember that substance abuse affects couples in ways that you might not realize.
This includes behavior in the bedroom.
Sex is meant to be a moment when couples are the most connected. But sex and substance use often do not go together well at all.
Consider five ways that substances damage intimacy.
1. The Mood is Ruined
Sex usually begins long before a couple is intimate. This takes the form of libido or one’s sex drive. It means that one or both partners must have a desire to have sex. But with substance use, the sex drive may be suppressed. Substances that are depressants, such as alcohol, have the effect of dulling or numbing one’s senses. This also includes your sex drive. You just don’t feel motivated to participate in sex. And if you do, your passion and performance may not be as strong as you might expect.
2. You’re Not Fully Engaged in the Experience
When it comes to sex and substance use, there is the issue of not being fully engaged in the experience. You’re not present with your partner. That’s because your mind has been affected by substances. You can’t enjoy the moment or truly be emotionally connected with your partner.
Granted, some people believe that substance use helps them be more engaged in the moment. However, the reality is that your senses are dulled and your brain is not operating at the capacity that it could be. This all leads to a less than satisfying experience.
3. Missing the Details with Sex and Substance Use
One of the best parts of sex is the little details of the experience. For instance, how your partner looks at you or something they say. All of your senses are fully engaged when you and your partner are intimate. Heavy substance use dulls cognitive ability. It weakens your ability to perceive the cues that your partner is conveying to you. This leads to overall less satisfying sex.
4. Not Feeling Personally Authentic or Genuine
Oftentimes, people who participate in heavy substance use or abuse say that they are just not themselves when they are using. Or, the people who are closest to them make this observation. One of the wonderful things about being in a relationship is authenticity. Both you and your partner can be genuine and authentic with each other. Neither of you feels judged. But with sex and substance use, there’s a part of you that’s missing. In a moment where both of you are the most vulnerable, you are not being authentic. That, in turn, negatively affects the relationship.
5. Poor Decision-making
Substance abuse in general often leads to poor choices. For instance, driving while under the influence. But what about sex and substance use? If you are using substances while having sex with your partner, you might make poor decisions in that situation as well. For instance, you might not hear your partner if they ask you to stop. Or worse, you ignore them. At that moment, any trust that you have built with your partner can be shattered.
Protect Sex and Relationships from Substance Misuse
Sex is a very important part of a romantic relationship. It allows an opportunity for couples to bond not just physically but emotionally as well. Substance abuse ruins that opportunity.
What should be a moment of pleasure turns into something else that’s unhelpful in the least. So, what can be done? Therapy offers a solution. A combination of individual/substance abuse counseling along with couples counseling will go a long way to resolving these issues.
Foster the best situation for intimacy together. Don't allow a toxic mix of sex and substance to drive you apart. If you think substance use is getting in the way of your relationship, please learn more about how couples counseling can help and contact me for a consultation soon.
