"I love you but I just don’t feel like having sex.'" These are hard words to have to say to your partner.
You can see the look of disappointment and hurt on their face. It’s no surprise that they take this personally.
However, the fact that you just don’t feel like having sex right now has nothing to do with them, at all. They are still attractive and sexy in your eyes, and you feel incredibly close to them. Yet, somehow, you just don’t feel like having sex right now.
Here’s how to explain to your partner that you don’t feel like doing it at the moment and having a productive versus destructive dialogue.
Stress and Sexual Desire
There’s no mistaking the fact that stress can be a real downer for your sex life. Of course, there are many sources of stress today that could be the culprit. Being the primary caregiver for children is definitely stressful (and exhausting!). So, too, is financial stress. In fact, stress and disagreements over money are one of the top sources of relationship conflict. If you are torn between loving your partner but not wanting to have sex with them, consider how stress might be involved.
Health Issues and Sex
Another reason why you might not want to have sex at the moment is a health issue. Perhaps you are coming to grips with a recent diagnosis (which also causes stress). Or, you have struggled with a longtime health issue that has come to the forefront. Perhaps something undiagnosed is to blame. Whatever the reason, your personal health is a priority, and your partner should understand that. Talk to your physician about your health and how it could be impacting your quality of life.
You’re Always Tired-Are You Getting Enough Sleep?
A common reason why people say they are not in the mood for sex is that they are tired. If this is true for you, think about when was the last time you had a good nights’ rest. Granted, if you have a newborn or young child, you are definitely not going enough sleep! However, there are other ways in which sleep gets disrupted. For example:
Going to bed very late in the evening, or staying up all night frequently.
Drinking alcohol or caffeine right before going to bed.
Being on your computer, phone, or tablet or watching TV.
Not feeling like your bedroom is a calm, restful place.
If you are feeling low-energy and tired all the time, it might be that you need to shake up your routine to promote better quality sleep.
Depression and Your Sexual Health
Depression can certainly be a factor affecting your desire to not have sex. When you are depressed, you really don’t feel like doing anything that you once enjoyed. This can include having sex with your partner. It can take a lot of effort to do anything, let alone have sex. If you think that you have been experiencing symptoms of depression for two weeks or more (low energy, sadness, feeling down, etc.) talk to a therapist who can help.
Explaining the Situation to Your Partner
This isn’t an easy topic to talk about with your partner. Yet, communication is always considered essential to every relationship. This includes talking about sexual issues. Some tips include:
Be honest but compassionate to their concerns and desires
Reinforce that you love them and still find them attractive
Choose a time and place where neither of you will be distracted
If, after having this conversation, your partner is still struggling with this issue consider sessions with a couples counselor.
In the end, if you don’t want to have sex right now, that’s perfectly fine. Everyone goes through these periods in their life. Just make sure that there isn’t an underlying reason why this is occurring. Also, make sure to have clear and open communication with your partner. If one or both of you is still having trouble, please read more about couples counseling and don’t hesitate to contact me soon for a consultation.
