There are many ways to communicate, some good and some not as effective. Do you and your partner find yourselves arguing more and communicating less? When you try to communicate does the conversation desolve into trying to prove who is right? Every couple has problems communicating from time-to-time. However, there are ways to communicate that you and your partner can utilize to have better conversations.
Be a Better Listener
The first skill that you can practice to be a better communicator is to be a better listener. Every conversation has at least two people, with one person talking and the other listening. Instead of waiting to jump in and get your point across, take a step back and listen. Some ideas include:
Making eye contact while your partner is talking.
Mentally picking out key words and phrases while your partner is talking.
After your partner stops talking, ask if you can summarize what you just heard.
Eliminate Distractions
When you are communicating with your partner, it is important that both of you are actually focused on the conversation. This means prioritizing the conversation over incoming text messages, phone calls, and other distractions. For instance:
Turn off your cell phone and ask your partner to do the same.
Turn off the TV or computer. Even better, speak in a room that doesn’t have a screen at all.
Do not have an open newspaper, magazine, or book in front of you to distract yourself.
Speak to each other in a place that is free from distracting conversations.
By setting aside external distractions, you and your partner are sending the message that your conversation is important and deserves your full attention.
Don’t “Win” the Conversation
Are you one of those people who has to “win” every discussion? Is it more important for you to be “right.” Needing to win the discussion, or using unhealthy tactics like yelling or arguing, are not effective ways to communicate. Dr. Susan Heitler, Ph.D., writes in Psychology Today about how these kinds of habits are often learned by children seeing their parents argue, which they, in turn, reproduce as adults.
Take a Collaborative Approach
Heitler advocates a collaborative approach as a way for couples to communicate with each other. What this means is:
Avoid sitting separately from each other.
Avoid facing away from each other.
Do sit next to each other, “put the problem on the table,” and work as a team to solve it.
By collaborating with each other rather than being adversaries, couples can find solutions to the problem instead of blaming each other and making things worse.
Take a Break From the Conversation
Sometimes it can be helpful to pause when you and your partner are at an impasse. While taking a break, you and your partner can have a moment to reflect, gain some composure, and possibly avoid saying something that either of you will regret later.
Avoid “You” Statements
Another ineffective way to communicate that couples can avoid are “you” statements. As described by Preston Ni, M.S.B.A. (also in Psychology Today) these are, “statements that either pass negative judgment, or order another person around.” Nobody enjoys being bossed around or judged, so these kinds of statements can have a negative impact on a conversation. Instead:
Don’t make the person part of the problem.
Separate a person from their actions.
Use “we” or “together” when discussing an issue.
Be solution-focused instead of blame-focused.
Communication is a skill that can take a lifetime to perfect. Yet couples can find different ways of communicating that can help them individually and as a couple express their feelings and get their points across without spiraling out of control.
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