Have you been struggling with feelings that make you believe that you are somehow “bad?” Do you hold onto memories that reinforce a negative image of yourself, creating shame-based thinking? Shame is a powerful emotion that is often rooted in long-standing issues. It also is the source for many of the problems that people face. However, you can break through this barrier of shame and even eliminate it from your life.
What is Shame-Based Thinking?
Shame-based thinking is derived from feelings that make you believe that there is something wrong with you. Merriam-Webster defines shame as “a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety.”
The feeling becomes internalized to create a belief that leads you to define yourself as being “bad,” “wrong,” or “damaged.” As you can imagine this is not a positive or healthy way of viewing yourself, yet it happens a lot.
How Does Shame-Based Thinking Develop?
You can develop a perspective of yourself based on shame from:
A childhood experience, such as receiving reinforcement from a parent that there is something wrong with you.
Experiencing a traumatic event or multiple traumatic events.
Feeling regret for actions that you committed in your past, such as committing a crime.
Shame does not come from an embarrassing situation or awkwardness. Instead, it’s origins are much deeper and contribute to how you define yourself as a person.
What Are the Dangers of Shame-Based Thinking?
Certainly having a negative self-image is one problem associated with shame-based thinking. Other issues include:
Not feeling capable of accomplishing your goals or dreams.
An inability to create deep, meaningful, and loving relationships.
Using substances to cope with the feelings of shame and thus developing an addiction.
Feeling disconnected and lost.
The danger of shame-based thinking is that you believe that you are “wrong.” This actually becomes a repeating theme in your life as you have experiences that reinforce this belief.
How is it Possible to Eliminate Shame-Based Thinking?
The first step toward eliminating shame-based thinking is asking for help. This in itself is challenging because you either don’t believe you need help since how you think is “normal” for you. Or, on the other hand, you believe that you aren’t capable or deserving of help. That’s why it can be so hard for those who feel shame to even begin this process. You need to believe that you deserve to get help and that something has to change.
Working with a Therapist on Shame-Based Thinking
This is why working with a therapist is so important for this process to be successful. A therapist can work with you to dig into your past to understand why you feel the way you do. For many, this is an uncomfortable, even scary proposal, as it can bring up a lot of painful memories. Yet it’s important, not just for your therapist to understand how to best help you, it’s necessary for you as well so you can understand how you got to this point in your life.
Using Compassion with Shame-Based Thinking
As you begin to face the origins of your shame-based thinking, a lot of emotions will arise, including anger and resentment or sadness and hopelessness. That’s why it’s important for you to have compassion for yourself. Allow yourself to open up and feel relief from the burden that you carry. You can learn how to love and accept yourself, which in turn eliminates shame.
Just because you have carried the weight of shame-based thinking doesn’t mean you have to let it define who you are. Yet, in order to begin the healing process, you need to be able to accept the help of others. Once you do, allow yourself to feel compassion and forgiveness. Remember, the best way to eliminate shame is through love, including loving yourself.
